"Vacation"

I'm not sure if you can call it a vacation, when you have such a horrible time, but I guess we can call it a "getaway".

But before I can get to that I have to go back a few days. Unfortunately, I ended up getting sick 3 days before we were supposed to go. I ended up going to the doctor because my ear was throbbing... so yes, he gave me antibiotics for the ear infection and strep throat... There is a problem with this however. There are 5 families of antibiotics, and I am allergic to 4 of them. At least I can take one type, right? Well, it just so happens to be the most ineffective one. As I was leaving the doctor said, "I don't expect it to work, but good luck." Ummmm, yeah.

After a few days my throat was feeling better, and even though my ear was still killing me, I gave in to the pleas of my daughter and we left for Goblin Valley State Park. Everyone had a great time... except me. I was just to sick and in too much pain to have any fun. We were supposed to leave on Wednesday but I just couldn't take it any more and we left on Tuesday morning, leaving Ally with my parents and her cousins.

I was finally able to get more antibiotics today... sadly I am allergic to these ones. I have to take benedryl half an hour before every pill, and hopefully that will make the effects minimal... But if you see me and I am covered in nasty red hives, just take pity on me and don't laugh.

So, hopefully that will be the end of it.

I have no idea where Alex unloaded the camera to, and I don't even care to go looking for it... but the few pictures I felt good enough to take, will be posted soon.

Optimism

Sadly, I was too optimistic on Devin's recovery. He never threw up again, but he spent the next several days with a high fever. He was so sick and refused to eat... listless, and it was so incredibly scary. All I could do was hold him and wait it out. I think today I can finally say he is on the mend. I weighed him today and he only weighed 19.5 lbs... wow, how does a 19 month old only weigh 19 pounds!??? Luckily he has been eating again today and ate TWO whole bowls of ice cream... that should add a little weight back on.

So, no pictures today... and I can't believe I am writing this, but I don't even know where my camera is at the moment!

Now I have 4 days to get ready for the vacation we leave for on Saturday... and I am so far behind in just normal housework and laundry, as all I have literally done is hold Devin for the entire weekend. Well, here's hoping that somehow I will get it all done... and get a few more pounds back on my baby...

The Lucky Day

Who says that St. Patrick's Day is lucky?

First of all I locked my keys in the car when getting new books for Ally at the library... maybe not unlucky just stupidity! I haven't done that in over a decade! Rrrrrr!!!

Then the very worst part of the day happened at 11:59 pm... I kid you not. It just HAD to happen on St. patrick's Day to mock me. Devin threw up ALL over me... I may NEVER eat spaghetti again (as that is what we had for dinner). The poor little guy was sick all night with a horrible fever, that I couldn't get down... as he couldn't keep any medicine down. I only got a few hours of broken sleep. He has been napping for 2 hours now, and if I was smart, I would be too. But as I am not smart...

Anyway, so those were the low parts of our holiday. But I guess I feel lucky for a few diferent reasons. First of all for Randilyn, who rescued me with car keys... second, that Devin hasn't thrown up for 6 hours now and his fever has been gone for 4hours... and mostly because of this:



and this...



So, who says St. Patrick's Day is lucky? ME!!!!!

Pink is the new blue

Devin is very rarely seen without his "pretty" these days... Alex may be horrified, however, I think pretty soon all the toddler boys are going to want one...

Spring, where art thou?

This winter has been killing us... mostly because it is usually so beautiful this time in Arizona, and we are stuck in cold Utah. It has been the longest winter of my life!

Sunday was cold... however, I just couldn't take it any more and made my family pack on some coats to take a walk. We decided to take Ally to see the horses. She packed apples to feed them.


She also packed bread to feed the ducks.


Sadly, Devin was grumpy as he has his 4 canine teeth coming in all at the same time, so we only stayed for about 30 minutes.

(gotta love that wild hair!)

Today, was beautiful... well, beautiful for Utah, anyway. We spent our afternoon outside, working in our yard and the kids just got extremely dirty.



We live next to an empty lot that has a huge mound of dirt and this was their favorite part.




They got oh so dirty, but had oh so much fun!

I did too... even if my job was shoveling dog poop...

The way the world looks

through the eyes of an 18 month old is nothing short of magic.



Everything he sees, makes his eyes light up.

On this occasion, it was the bright red and orange sky at sunset.


Chocolate ice cream is meant to be more than enjoyed, it is to be lived.


His dad becomes the hero when he can call the horses over to pet.


Petting the horses is not only "cool", but life altering.


And kissing their soft fuzzy nose is perfectly acceptable.


Where a piece of discarded trash is a treasure


and dancing in crunchy leaves is better than a polished floor in the most expansive ballroom.


I love looking at the world again through his eyes. It's beautiful to be reminded how magical our world and everything in it, really is.

The Story of Finn

It's not a story I really want to share... or even think about for that matter, but it's one that I want to have. I don't want to forget... not that I even could, but it's one I want my children and grandchildren to know. So here is the story of Finn.



They called in September... they had a baby for us... a little boy, only 5 weeks old. My heart raced, my stomach flipped and I felt elated. The biological mother had named the baby, "Infinity" because apparently they liked the movie, "Toy Story". It sounded crazy to us and we decided we would call him "Finn" for short.

Alex was at work at the time I was supposed to pick him up, so I left Ally with my sister and headed to the Ronald McDonald house in Salt Lake City.

I always wondered how long it would take an adoptive mother to bond with their child... I know now, it is instant. The picture above was a few hours after I picked him up. The second they laid him in my arms, all snuggly in his blue and white striped jammies and he looked up at me with his chocolate brown eyes, it was over... I had fallen completely in love.

I sat in one of the rooms, in a wooden, squeaky rocking chair and fed him a bottle. I kissed his fuzzy dark head and whispered nonsense to him. I stroked his pink, dry, little fingers and traced the smooth fingernails. I watched him greedily suck down his entire bottle, and bonded immediately to him. Then, I rested him on my shoulder to burp him and he snuggled down into the crook of my neck and fell asleep.

I drove back to pick up Ally, full of emotion and wonder of the little angel that was now in my care. She was amazing when she saw him and she loved him instantly too. I can't believe a 3 year old could be so caring and accepting, but she was.



Alex was more reserved with him. I think he was afraid of losing him... it took only a couple of days for the wariness to disappear and for him to lose himself in the sweetness of baby powder and tiny toes.

He just fit in, he belonged... and in those precious days I couldn't imagine a life without him. I learned his needs, how to burp him exactly right so he wouldn't be so gassy, how he liked to be held and carried...

For six beautiful, magical days I fell deeper and deeper in love, I couldn't stop myself, he was so easy to love. Then the day came, that no matter how hard I try, I can't forget.

I had spent the morning shopping at Old Navy for little boy outfits for him. I put him down for a nap and left Alex with Ally and Finn to squeak in a little more baby shopping... and then my cell phone rang... it was our case worker, at the time I only heard those few words, he was going to be given to his grandma. The details would come later. The judge had ordered the state to give him to his grandma and he would be living with his grandpa, a man that had been convited of sexual abuse...

I only had two hours... how do you spend two hours saying goodbye? I had to wash all of his new clothes and blankets I had sewn for him, and pack it up in a big bag. I had to watch my little girl say "goodbye" to the little baby she had come to love. I kissed his little cheeks, I fed him a bottle one last time, snuggling him close and packed him safely in his carseat. Alex luckily was home and stayed with Ally, while I drove those long twenty minutes to give up what wasn't to be mine.

I was early, I sat on the couch in the social worker office. The social worker told me I could leave him with her and not have to hand him over directly to the grandmother, she said it would be easier... I tried, I really tried to hand him to her, but I couldn't... I had to hold him as long as I could. I had to promise him that I loved him, and I had to say goodbye. I had to memorize his bright eyes, and remember how he looked in his brand new overalls. I had to feel his soft, fuzzy hair tickle my cheek just a little longer.

But then his grandma came and I handed him over. I quickly slipped into the elevator and walked out the glass front doors. I unlocked our blazer and slipped the key into the ignition. Then I put my head on the steering wheel and sobbed until their was nothing left. It was over.



For a long time after I wondered, "why". How could this have happened? Why was he to be put in my life and ripped right back out again and handed to those people? The social worker quit over this case as well as the foster advocate... it was too much for them... and it left me without anyone to explain what had happened. But maybe that is better, there is no way to explain how they could have put such an innocent baby back into a dangerous environment.

Looking back I have a lot more insight then I did then. I still wonder what he is like, how he is doing, if he is safe and happy... He will be turning five this August. In my mind I still see him as a little boy in overalls with big dark eyes and fuzzy dark hair. I see him playing with trucks and digging in the dirt... I have to see him that way, for my sanity I can only see him as happy.

He had a huge impact on me, he changed my world in a way that never recovered. I still love him, he holds a piece of my heart that will always belong to him.

I can't say that I impacted his life. He was too young and too short of a time for him to ever remember. I guess that is what I have the hardest time thinking about, that someone I love so much, will probably never even know of my exsistence. But I am at peace with it now. Someday, when we meet in heaven I will get to give him a great big hug and he will know... someday.