The Meanest Mom in the Whole World

Yep, you read that right, that's me: the meanest mom in the whole world.

Jealous of my new prestigious title? Wondering what you can do to have it for yourself? Well... okay, I might just help you out so you can feel as lucky and proud as I do.

First, you have to ruin your child's day by announcing that after Hannah Montana is over, she may not watch any more t.v. until her room is clean. (wait, wait, there's more that alone won't get you the prestige). Then the t.v. goes off and you have to sweetly remind your child there room must be clean. The (not-so) sweet child will then pull out her nintendo ds (because of course she doesn't want to watch tv anymore, so she doesn't need to clean her room).

While your in the middle of getting peed on by your baby, you won't notice this. When you finally get both of your clothes changed and try and see the progress of the room, you notice that your child is jumping over mushroom men as Mario and a little less sweetly you say, "You have to clean your room now." She will remind you that she can't save the game in the middle of the level. Now pay attention, this is important, you will then remove the ds from your child's hands and turn the game off mid-level. This will cause a series of hysterics. Hysterics are good, it helps get you closer to your coveted title.

Meanwhile, your stupid little dog will somehow pull out the soaking wet diaper from the trash can and rip it apart in the only clean room in your house. (I mean, what better place is there to spread those pee crystals around in than a room that is freshly mopped?) While your cleaning this up (seriously, those things are impossible to pick up) and bleaching the floor because EWWWW, you are just mortified at the germs that this could bring, your not-anywhere-near-sweet daughter will pull out her cell phone. Her daddy is too busy to answer the phone so she leaves him a sobbing message of how unfair you are being. Now, comes the next step (be brave, you can do it), take the cell phone away.

Now, this will cause more hysterics which will proceed for the next hour and a half, with intermitent trips into the kitchen so you can see that she is still sobbing. Another tough one, you actually have to be so fed up with her that you ignore her. (yes, I know, bordering on child abuse, but your so close now that you can't back down).

She will stop crying after this hour and a half to come tell you she is hungry and wants lunch. Now, take a deep breath, don't let yourself actually make a peanut butter sandwich and smash it into her face, you have to be like me and REFUSE to feed your child. (Yes, yes, go ahead call CPS).

This will result in another half hour of screaming before your child will actually spend the next 15 minutes cleaning her room and be finished. Okay, so now you have accomplished your goal and you have to calmly point out how she wasted so much time for 15 minutes of cleaning.

Then the stupid little cell phone you previously confiscated rings and you must not her answer it, and instead talk to her friend for her and explain, "No, she may not come over to your house today, she has decided to be grumpy, rude and not follow the rules and that has resulted in her being unable to play."

That is it, that is all it takes, for when you thank her little friend for calling, and hang up the phone, you will hear it... just what you have been waiting for, "YOU ARE THE MEANEST MOM IN THE WORLD!!!" Your goal is accomplished.


Slight Disclaimer: Mom, I take it back... you are not the meanest mom in the world.