Those Little Moments

I was told in Sunday School a few months ago about using your blog for geneology, and I realized what a good idea it was, so I have been trying to be more regular about keeping up and celebrating not only the big moments, but the little moments as well.

Yes, I am behind again and need several catching up posts to get caught up, but this one I need to post today... not sure why but I feel the need to do it.

These last almost ten years have been a roller coaster for us. We have been married 9 1/2 years now and along with the moments of pure joy have been the moments to bring us to our knees.

We met in March of 2000, and 5 weeks later we were engaged... completely, head-over-heels in love. We had so many people telling us it would never work, but I knew. He was my perfect match in every way possible... and yes it is cheesy, but he completed me in a way that I couldn't even begin to describe.

We were surprised 5 months after we were married in Septmeber 2000 with the news that we would be parents. Let's be honest, we weren't ready. I was just enrolled back at the University of Utah and we were just starting to work out the kinks that new married life brings. I actually cried when I read the pregnancy test... yet, Alex, my rock, smiled. He wanted to be a dad, and even if we weren't quite ready he knows how to take whatever comes, accept and make it positive.

So, in November 2001 our angel was born. She was a challenge as a young baby and I suffered from post partum depression... badly. I was stupid enough to not recognize it for what it was and simply suffered. Those are some black months I would never want to relive.

However, life eventually settled into a pattern and a miracle happened... I fell completely in love with being a mom... to my beautiful, sweet baby, who finally taught me what it is to really love. There is no love that will ever compare to what a mother feels for her child... only another mother can understand.

That next year was a beautiful one. Ally was so much fun as a young toddler, so smart and just alive. Of course, one of the hardest days of my life also came during that time. One that I can still conjur up in my mind and feel the horror deep in the pit of my stomach when I think about it.

Ally was 11 months old, talking, walking, and just happy. Alex worked for Hollywood Video until 2 in the morning so he slept in while I watched Ally. I still remember sitting on the floor, leaning against the leather green couch, when Ally walked over to me, laid in my lap and her eyes rolled back into her head. I didn't know what was happening, but I knew something was terribly wrong. I picked her up, yelling for Alex and kicked the shut door to the bedroom open where he was sleeping. I called 911 while he held her and I pulled some clothes on.

The ambulance took her lifeless body to the Tooele hospital and they laid her small body on a bed that was just too big for my tiny baby. They didn't know what was wrong with her... and after checking her over they left the 3 of us alone for a few moments in the room. I was holding her, she was slightly awake... when all of the sudden the same thing happened. Her eyes rolled back into her and her body started to seize. It was the first time I realized she was having seizures. The doctors rushed in, took my baby from me and worked over her. I have seen Alex cry a total of 3 times in my ten years with him... this was one of those times. They could not figure out what was wrong with her, and Ally and I were to take our first helicopter ride. They life-flighted her to Primary Children's Hospital. As we waited in the Emergency room Alex drove from Tooele and my parents drove up. Alex and my dad laid their hands on her head and gave her a powerful priesthood blessing. I cannot even begin to describe how amazing it is and how blessed I feel to have the priesthood in my life. They decided they needed to give her a spinal tap to see if she had meningitis. I could not handle seeing them stick a needle into my eleven-month old babies tiny back and I had to leave the room. Alex, again my rock, stayed by her side and stroked her tiny hand. I can still remember burrying my head in my hands in that uncomfortable chair staring down at the bleached-white floor and crying as if the world had ended. I spent the next two nights with her at that hospital, and they never found out what was wrong. We were hopeful that it was a fluke and after a month of anti-seizure medication, we felt thankful and full of hope when the medicine was gone and she was back to her normal, sweet self.

Fast forward to another surprise I told Alex on Father's Day, once again we were going to be parents to a new baby. It was a surprise and not ideal timing, however instead of tears, I felt excited to be a mother and have the job I loved more than anything in the world. Our family was so excited for our future.

A month later, that hope crashed within the matter of 2 days. My family goes yearly to Fish Lake, Utah, and we joined them. Ally was an adorable 19-month-old, and I was 13 weeks pregnant and not loking forward to sleeping in a tent, but still excited to go camping and spend time together. Ally had been sick the week before, but had been feeling better since we got there. I had lost Alex's wallet and we walked down to the pay phone to get our credit cards cancelled. My neice, Emily walked with us. As I was on the phone Alex said one word, "Tammy," and when I looked over at him he was holding Ally in his arms, her eyes were rolled back and her body was once again seizing. I responded back with only one word, "run"... and we did. I pulled Emily along while Alex ran Ally up the hill. My sister-in-law drove us to where we met an ambulance and she was taken to a hospital in Richfield. She went into another seizure right as we were pulling into the hospital. We drove home after they filled her full of anti-seizure medication and then the next month would be followed with test after test to be determined it was once again a "fluke". Luckily she has never had another seizure, but to this day I still panic when she gets the stomach flu.

Two days after we got home from Fish Lake, another thing happened, I began to bleed... so heavily infact that I was soaking clothes in blood. We went to the hospital where they had to do a D&C to get the bleeding to stop. Our dream of that child died that night. The pain was horrible, it was a loss I didn't know how to fill. Alex, was again the man that held us together, and gave me his shoulder that was so often wet with tears.

It took time to get over that loss, 6 or 7 months of grieving, and I needed that time to dedicate to Ally and her many tests. Finally, I felt ready to have another baby... only this time we weren't so lucky. After a long time without getting pregnant I went to the doctor and they said there was too much scar tissue from my miscarriage and there was no chance I would ever get pregnant. A few doctors later, with the same diagnosis, and once more the grief was overwhelming. It took more mourning.

We decided to try adoption and looked into LDS Family Services. They said it would take years, and I felt devastated. That was when I felt inspired to do foster care, feeling our next baby would come to us that way. I went to the months of classes, and inspections and preparations and finally the call came... they had a 5 week little boy, Finn, and he was to be ours. The case worker said we should be able to adopt him in months, he would not be going back home. How could it be that easy??? I painted his room a sweet shade of blue, we bought a crib and I decorated with Winnie the Pooh. Then I picked him up at the Ronald McDonald House, he was so tiny and sweet and felt just perfect in my arms. I thought it might be hard to bond with him, but it wasn't. I think I fell in love instantly. Ally was so sweet and loving to him, and such a big help. After a day or two it all felt right, and he would relax in my arms and when I held him... I was "mommy," and he wanted me over anyone else. Only, Heavenly Father said he could only be mine for 6 days... the judge ruled to give him to his grandmother and her abusive husband. My heart broke, and I feared for his safety. After 6 days I was ready to pack him up and run away with him to keep him safe. Only, he was not to be mine. I knew I had to give him back. Once more my arms and heart were left empty.

Then a big change came to our family. We needed a break, a move from the pain and loss. Alex accepted a job in Sierra Vista, Arizona. A part of me was ready for a break, a part was full of fear and a part was excited to try something new. The move ended up being one of the best things for us. We had to learn to rely on each other, our wards, make new friends and try new things. A doctor down there told me about a fabulous infertility doctor in Tucson and having enough time to emotionally heal, I decided to give it a try. He did surgery to try and remove as much scar tissue as possible, and it was horrible. I have never been so sick! Then we did several months of infertility treatments, and the frustration and hopelessness began again. We decided to take a break from the treatments for the month of December and enjoy the holidays without the pressure... it was that month that I got pregnant, and the miracle of Devin came to our family.

Well, that takes care of most of the small moments that have made up our family. Would I change any of it?... no, it takes me to where I am today. I am blessed to have an amazing, strong husband and two beautiful miracles that have blessed me more than I probably even deserve.