They called in September... they had a baby for us... a little boy, only 5 weeks old. My heart raced, my stomach flipped and I felt elated. The biological mother had named the baby, "Infinity" because apparently they liked the movie, "Toy Story". It sounded crazy to us and we decided we would call him "Finn" for short.
Alex was at work at the time I was supposed to pick him up, so I left Ally with my sister and headed to the Ronald McDonald house in Salt Lake City.
I always wondered how long it would take an adoptive mother to bond with their child... I know now, it is instant. The picture above was a few hours after I picked him up. The second they laid him in my arms, all snuggly in his blue and white striped jammies and he looked up at me with his chocolate brown eyes, it was over... I had fallen completely in love.
I sat in one of the rooms, in a wooden, squeaky rocking chair and fed him a bottle. I kissed his fuzzy dark head and whispered nonsense to him. I stroked his pink, dry, little fingers and traced the smooth fingernails. I watched him greedily suck down his entire bottle, and bonded immediately to him. Then, I rested him on my shoulder to burp him and he snuggled down into the crook of my neck and fell asleep.
I drove back to pick up Ally, full of emotion and wonder of the little angel that was now in my care. She was amazing when she saw him and she loved him instantly too. I can't believe a 3 year old could be so caring and accepting, but she was.
Alex was more reserved with him. I think he was afraid of losing him... it took only a couple of days for the wariness to disappear and for him to lose himself in the sweetness of baby powder and tiny toes.
He just fit in, he belonged... and in those precious days I couldn't imagine a life without him. I learned his needs, how to burp him exactly right so he wouldn't be so gassy, how he liked to be held and carried...
For six beautiful, magical days I fell deeper and deeper in love, I couldn't stop myself, he was so easy to love. Then the day came, that no matter how hard I try, I can't forget.
I had spent the morning shopping at Old Navy for little boy outfits for him. I put him down for a nap and left Alex with Ally and Finn to squeak in a little more baby shopping... and then my cell phone rang... it was our case worker, at the time I only heard those few words, he was going to be given to his grandma. The details would come later. The judge had ordered the state to give him to his grandma and he would be living with his grandpa, a man that had been convited of sexual abuse...
I only had two hours... how do you spend two hours saying goodbye? I had to wash all of his new clothes and blankets I had sewn for him, and pack it up in a big bag. I had to watch my little girl say "goodbye" to the little baby she had come to love. I kissed his little cheeks, I fed him a bottle one last time, snuggling him close and packed him safely in his carseat. Alex luckily was home and stayed with Ally, while I drove those long twenty minutes to give up what wasn't to be mine.
I was early, I sat on the couch in the social worker office. The social worker told me I could leave him with her and not have to hand him over directly to the grandmother, she said it would be easier... I tried, I really tried to hand him to her, but I couldn't... I had to hold him as long as I could. I had to promise him that I loved him, and I had to say goodbye. I had to memorize his bright eyes, and remember how he looked in his brand new overalls. I had to feel his soft, fuzzy hair tickle my cheek just a little longer.
But then his grandma came and I handed him over. I quickly slipped into the elevator and walked out the glass front doors. I unlocked our blazer and slipped the key into the ignition. Then I put my head on the steering wheel and sobbed until their was nothing left. It was over.
For a long time after I wondered, "why". How could this have happened? Why was he to be put in my life and ripped right back out again and handed to those people? The social worker quit over this case as well as the foster advocate... it was too much for them... and it left me without anyone to explain what had happened. But maybe that is better, there is no way to explain how they could have put such an innocent baby back into a dangerous environment.
Looking back I have a lot more insight then I did then. I still wonder what he is like, how he is doing, if he is safe and happy... He will be turning five this August. In my mind I still see him as a little boy in overalls with big dark eyes and fuzzy dark hair. I see him playing with trucks and digging in the dirt... I have to see him that way, for my sanity I can only see him as happy.
He had a huge impact on me, he changed my world in a way that never recovered. I still love him, he holds a piece of my heart that will always belong to him.
I can't say that I impacted his life. He was too young and too short of a time for him to ever remember. I guess that is what I have the hardest time thinking about, that someone I love so much, will probably never even know of my exsistence. But I am at peace with it now. Someday, when we meet in heaven I will get to give him a great big hug and he will know... someday.
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