Wherever the road may lead...

This has been a tough one to write... mostly because I don't think I am really ready for this.

If you don't know the story of Finn, do a quick catch up here, or the rest of this is just not going to make sense:

http://jensens22.blogspot.com/2010/03/story-of-finn.html

It all started several months ago, a prompting, a feeling... it was time; time to do foster care again.

What was my first reaction to this? "HECK NO!" and a complete decision to ignore that train of thought.

I was pretty good at ignoring that nagging feeling for a few more months, refusing to give in to that not-so-subtle command.

Then Alex and I were watching The Blind Side, and as the emotions of that amazing movie overcame me, I guess it was easy enough for the Spirit to wiggle it's way in and say, "It's time."

What did I do this time?... even though I was in an emotional euphoria from the movie, I am embarrassed to say my reaction was the same, "I am happy! I have two amazing children, I am enrolled to go to UVU in the fall, my plate is full. So, NOOOOOOO!"

Only this time, the ignoring it factor just didn't work as well. So many little moments and promptings... pleadings.

Ok, maybe there is supposed to be another child in our family... Alex's new amazing job matches a huge amount for adoption, I spent hours searching the internet, emailing an amazing friend that did that very thing...

But you know what? That wasn't what I was being asked to do. I was being asked to do foster care... not adopt, not try infertility treatments... foster care.

Really? I have free agency, right? I don't have to do this. I know Heavenly Father was with me last time, and I KNOW He remembers me back then, He can't really be requesting this of me.

Yes, I have free agency... but the Spirit has never, not once, let me down in my entire life. So I will obey.

I call, make appointments... half-heartedly, I have to admit. I set appointments for months in advance, drag my feet. I listen closely to Alex tell me that it really isn't something he wants to do again...

Then the month passes and the appointment is there to meet with DCFS. I almost cancelled it too many times to count. The man comes and talks to us, telling us everything left to go through, the classes, the home study, background checks, what to expect... I've been through this before. It's like I am not really there, almost checked out of the experience. But I agree to the classes, fill out half the paperwork and prepare for the classes to come...

We need babysitters for the classes... surely it isn't worth the stress, right? We need to move the office back downstairs, oh the pain of it. I don't know if Devin could handle another needy child in our family... actually I don't think *I* could handle another needy child. Only, something strange happens. Alex is suddenly not against it any more... what happened to my ally?

So, here I am, sitting with complete mixed emotions. Am I resigned to my fate? No, I realized something important, I DO have free agency. I don't have to do this. I know Heavenly Father is asking this of me, but I also know that He will still love and accept me, even if I choose that I can not go through with this. This is completely my decision.

So, I am moving forward, still extremely cautious and unsure if this is something I can do. What will this accompolish? Will it bring another child in our family to be ours forever? Will I be there to mend a broken heart until a mother can stand back on her own two feet? Or is it merely an experience to banish my past demons? Is that even possible?

I don't know, but I am going on this journey, unclear where I am headed, but I will follow to wherever the road may lead...